


truthfully, i’ve begun to resent you.

by hamsterzkro



Category: Derp Crew - Fandom, The Derp Crew
Genre: Gay, Jess is actually mentioned as well, M/M, Sad, Uhm, but i can’t find her in characters, i guess, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 20:19:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15202676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamsterzkro/pseuds/hamsterzkro
Summary: "i want to hate you, but i just can't."stupid heart.dumb brain.my hands won't stop shaking.





	truthfully, i’ve begun to resent you.

**Author's Note:**

> one.

Anthony should've known that the truth was gonna come out of him one day. He's the master of manipulation and lying straight through his teeth without leaving a trace. He held all the strings between his coarse fingertips. Well, until Steven came and tangled everything up. If he would have just kept his feelings under wraps then maybe everything would be fine.

Lying over the internet became easy. Maybe a scold and yelling, but no serious repercussions. They were all silly, little white lies any how. His urges to throttle everyone (Steven. but could he ever really say that?) were kept under control. Conventions were a time to see friends and hang out in real life, but only for a couple days. Sure, there were times where these few days almost became unbearable to stand, staring too much looked suspicious but no eye contact at all meant something was up. It was almost as if the days were endless. Then he would return home and it was back to over the internet.

Knowing he was just about 30 minutes away, it almost made him sick. It was beginning to become harder to manipulate the feelings he once could anymore. He became more distant from everyone, never intentionally, but for once he wasn't consciously doing it. There was a ring on someone he didn't know if he felt the same about anymore. He swore to God he loved her, but God stopped talking.

He stood more often alone in the dark, waiting for another message, wondering about his whereabouts, but never bothering to answer. They could show up to his front door step if they really felt like it, why bother answering a message saying he's still here? He figured no one would ever actually show up unannounced, but that was until he did.

A couple knocks to make his dog go insane, he went to answer it after calming Rex down a bit. He was figuring Jess forgot her keys or someone random came up, but he was wrong.

“Hey Chil-er, Anthony.” Steven smiled slightly, attempting to ignore the sight for sore eyes Chilled currently presented. Maybe he was growing out his facial hair and he liked his hair several inches longer than usual.

Anthony couldn't think of how to respond. It should've just been a “hello” at the least, but he wasn't able to speak.

“Sorry for coming unannounced. I asked but you haven't been responding to my messages…which is kind of the reason why I came here.” Steven felt uneasy from all of this, silent responses and the heat.

Anthony seemed to always ponder if he could get away with murder. He knew he would get caught one day. Today was a day he wish he knew he could absolutely get away with it. He moved and motioned him to come in, as it was too hot to be standing in the door all day.

After shutting the door, he sighed, glaring back at him, and muttered, “What do you want?”

“I just want to talk ok? We're all worried cause you haven't been answering anyone lately. It's been weeks, maybe even over a whole month at this point. You know you can talk to anyone about things, right? We're all here, even if you don't wanna do it face to face?”

Anthony knew he was right. He was a goddamn adult, there was no need for this game he kept tugging at. He's only ever known how to make a mess though, never being able to piece it back together himself. He shrugged, staring down at the ground.

“What's up Anthony? Just spill it. Something's gotten to you and I just want to help.” Steven sat down on the couch, hoping to maybe get something out of him.

Anthony felt sick again. It felt like words were coming up his throat, giving him no time to think. He didn't have to say everything, just enough to get him off his back. But how much would be enough? He could lie, but a bigger chance of being caught in between.

“I just-I don't know if I love Jess the same way I used too anymore.” He refused to let himself even dare to glance at him.

Steven's felt his expression change to a mixture of confusion and sympathy. “Why? What happened?”

“Just someone came around and kind of fucked up my hidden feelings, I guess.”

Steven had to already step on the tripwire but it's become faulty because Anthony wasn't blowing up. He was budging the edge, no doubt was he about to get pushed though.

Steven wanted to help. He so desperately wanted to help but he was coming to his wits end. “Who? Someone we know-”

“Stop asking. It's fine. I'm just being dumb.” Anthony suddenly turned towards him, shutting whatever he was about to ask down. His jaw was clenched and he was about to break down into tears. He wouldn't dare cry in front of him though, no.

Steven got up, stepping a bit closer to him, “I'm just trying to help, ok? Please just let me.”

He just stared at him, not bothering to respond against the urge of saying something stupid.

“This is a big deal, alright? Personally, I think this feeling is gonna pass and you'll realize that she's still the love of your life, ok? But I don't know.”

“How is this gonna pass if I'm around him all…the time.” Anthony blurted before he could stop himself. He balled up his fist and squeezed as tightly as he could. He sighed, letting go.

That statement made Steven feel odd. The odd suspicion of wondering if it was him. Sure, he was assuming and probably too much biased. Having a crush that lingered for years (which it can't really be that much of a crush then.) and eventually realizing that their relationship would never be more than best friends, probably made him biased as hell. But every single one of the “what if's…” swirled around his mind.

“Well, who is it? If I start guessing, you'll probably become more upset than you already are.” The tension made his body ache and it was becoming harder to breathe.

Anthony shook his head, “No, I-I can't.”

He basically just gave it away but Steven had a tendency to be oblivious. Maybe he still is. Hopefully, he still is.

“Anthony, just fucking say it.” Steven was tired and felt defeated. He couldn't take himself seriously though. He felt so small even though Anthony was only 6 inches taller than him.

Anthony still hasn't said a word, but how could he? He felt trapped in the trap he put himself in. He could only notice how close he was and how easily it would be to just put his hands on his neck.

“What has gotten into you? Why can't you speak all of a sudden?” Steven was becoming thin with patients. This was for sure gonna start a fire to erupt between them. He was kind about it at first, but they were getting nowhere. Maybe being aggressive was adding more fire to the already burning twigs, but something would happen. Maybe he was about to burn the whole forest, but it's something.

Anthony clenched his teeth, his urges to strangle him grow. “You! You're the god damn problem Steven!”

He bit his tongue, some of his best hopes and worst fears unraveling all at once. Steven's suspicions were correct, but part of him was hoping they wouldn't be.

Anthony chuckled darkly, “Everything was aligned in the palm of my hands and you fucked it up. I don't know why I bothered to move down here. I don't know why I thought I could keep everything under god damn control. I love my friends but you-you're here too. I get these urges to just asphyxiate you but you know I would never do it. I want to hate you, but I just can't.”

He was a shaking, anger stricken mess. He had no one to blame this on. He could've kicked him out but something in his power just couldn't do it.

“I'm a fucking moron. I'm so sorry. Fuck, I don't want to lose you. You're still one of my best friends, despite what I try to tell myself. But I-I can't-” Anthony was interrupted from Steven's lips colliding into his. Maybe it was something he needed, maybe it wasn't at all, but he melted into it either way.

Although it felt as if time slowed down, just for them, Steven pulled away shortly after.

“It's either Jess or neither. Maybe I'm terrible, but I can't have this with you, okay?” Steven sighed, slowly walking past him to the front door.

Anthony turned towards him, watching every small movement he did like a hawk. He was still so overwhelmed by what had happened.

Before leaving, Steven lightly grinned, quietly adding, “I'll message you later, alright? I think you need some time to think.”

Hearing the door click shut was when he couldn't hold back what he was feeling. He's not afraid to feel, but he was more vulnerable around others. There were unwanted tears on his face and his hands wouldn't stop shaking.

And for the weeks to come, things were weird. It was something that everyone could notice. People knew something had to be up between the two. Eventually, things were mostly back to normal. But Anthony couldn't help but have this strange, lingering feeling like he was wishing for something he could actually have. He's sworn to God that he loved her and he responded once. He said, “You do, but…” then Anthony stopped listening.

**Author's Note:**

> how do you write holy shit.


End file.
